Jake Gyllenhaal Thought He Could Get Out of a Speeding Ticket Because He Played a Cop
Unfortunately, cops don't care that you were a fake one onscreen—the latest among many humiliating lessons Gyllenhaal has learned about existence as an actor, some of which he shares here.
Released on 1/10/2018
I know you're gonna be surprised,
but I'm gonna make a giraffe out of this.
Sometimes, I feel like the creation of something
is more meaningful than the result, the process.
In this case, that's exactly,
this is literally the definition of that.
Okay, let's try.
What's cool about this is,
all of us performers are equalized
by doing some stupid task
that none of us can really, truly accomplish,
so all we're doing is just emphasizing
what everybody already knows,
which is that we are basically
just not good at anything
besides saying other people's lines.
My favorite one I ever wore was no Halloween costume
because essentially, that's my job.
My job is to just dress up
like almost everyday is Halloween,
like on this photo shoot,
but then also just in characters I play,
so what people don't really know,
which I'm always surprised at,
is why actors aren't excited about Halloween
'cause they live it everyday.
I think, maybe, I was just traumatized
by my costumes that my dad helped me create
when I was a kid.
My dad worked with Red Grooms, the artist,
so he designed all these really outlandish things
made out of cardboard for Halloween
that I wore and were torturous.
He made a house, and the house had rooms in it.
They were all lit up by Christmas lights
and each one had a different scene,
like, one scene where people like fighting,
the other one was someone was reading to a child,
and there was also one
where people were eating dinner downstairs,
and the house fit on top of my head,
and I could look out one of the windows.
The chimney was where you put the candy, right,
so I wore it on my head and then I had a backpack
with a battery pack, no joke,
with all that that lit up all the lights in the house.
But, I couldn't move my knees farther than, like,
maybe three or four inches, so every time I would walk,
my knees would hit the front of this thing.
On my way upstairs to get, like, candy,
I would fall flat over and I wouldn't really know
where I was going,
and then no one could really hear me very well,
so when I would ask people for candy,
they'd be like, Sorry, excuse me, trick or treat?
I'd be like, Treat, and it'd be like, (muffled speaking)
and they'd be like, What?
Where do we put the candy?,
and my dad would be, like, sitting there like,
Let's see if they know, and then they'd, like,
occasionally, they'd just give up
and I'd be left there with the door closed,
or sometimes they would, like, drop,
try to put it through the windows and stuff like that.
The chimney thing didn't work out.
I was freed, like, 30, 45 minutes into it
'cause my dad was like, I can't do that to you.
I think I was, like, Elvis Presley one year
and that was fine.
My sister dyed my hair with Manic Panic.
Someone asked me, the other day,
why am I an actor, and the answer was,
Because Manic Panic had its way with my brain, probably,
I don't know.
You know, my first kiss was in
the stairwell in elementary school.
In the stairwell, right, the door closed
and we, like, we kissed.
It was peck, you want, like,
what was the first sloppy one?
Outside a bowling alley.
It was a birthday party
of a friend of mine who was having a birthday party
at a bowling alley.
I didn't even know it was gonna happen.
We were, like, talking outside
and she sort of made the first move.
I was like,
This is the beginning of the end, yeah.
Yeah, it was wonderful.
I remember asking my grandfather about
when he first kissed my grandmother.
I was going around Queens with him
'cause we were touring around where he grew up.
We went to a park out there and he said,
I remember on the first date
where I took your grandmother.
They were divorced many years before.
I said, What was it like?
He said, he closed his eyes, he said,
I love dogs.
I just love them.
They are so playful, they bring that out in us,
if you allow it.
I don't think I'm that playful, generally.
I need to be reminded of it, so they remind me of that.
When I housebroke my dog, it was, like,
probably one of the most proudest moments I've had
(interviewer laughing) in the past three years,
It was, like, such tremendous triumph.
Every three hours, taking my dog out to pee, from his crate
and then finally, one day, I didn't have to.
It was like, (interviewer laughs)
it was amazing, it was truly, truly amazing.
Yeah, those are the little things.
[Interviewer] What was your first pet's name?
Now, everybody knows every code
to every one of my passwords. (interviewer laughing)
Every fucking code, What was the first street
you lived on, what was your first pet?
I'm like, Fuck.
The first street I lived on was Norton.
[Interviewer] So you're Rosie Norton.
Yeah, my porn name, yeah.
Your porn name. Is that what it is, right,
is that what you were gonna ask?
I mean, right? (interviewer laughs)
It's always good to be friends with the cops.
I actually recently, unfortunately, got a speeding ticket,
which I was like, Watch this, it's cool.
I got this.
And then he was like, License and registration, please,
I was like, But I mean, buddy,
he was like, License, registration.
I was like, I play a cop.
He was like, Go fuck yourself.
So, that didn't help.
I get the nod, at least I get the nod.
I still got the fucking ticket, but I got the nod.