Jake Gyllenhaal Thought He Could Get Out of a Speeding Ticket Because He Played a Cop

Unfortunately, cops don't care that you were a fake one onscreen—the latest among many humiliating lessons Gyllenhaal has learned about existence as an actor, some of which he shares here.

Released on 1/10/2018

Transcript

00:00
I know you're gonna be surprised,
00:01
but I'm gonna make a giraffe out of this.
00:03
This thing.
00:04
Sometimes, I feel like the creation of something
00:06
is more meaningful than the result, the process.
00:10
In this case, that's exactly,
00:12
this is literally the definition of that.
00:14
Okay, let's try.
00:16
What's cool about this is,
00:18
all of us performers are equalized
00:19
by doing some stupid task
00:21
that none of us can really, truly accomplish,
00:23
so all we're doing is just emphasizing
00:25
what everybody already knows,
00:27
which is that we are basically
00:29
just not good at anything
00:31
besides saying other people's lines.
00:33
Thank you.
00:38
My favorite one I ever wore was no Halloween costume
00:40
because essentially, that's my job.
00:42
My job is to just dress up
00:43
like almost everyday is Halloween,
00:45
like on this photo shoot,
00:47
but then also just in characters I play,
00:48
so what people don't really know,
00:50
which I'm always surprised at,
00:51
is why actors aren't excited about Halloween
00:53
'cause they live it everyday.
00:54
I think, maybe, I was just traumatized
00:56
by my costumes that my dad helped me create
00:58
when I was a kid.
00:59
My dad worked with Red Grooms, the artist,
01:01
so he designed all these really outlandish things
01:04
made out of cardboard for Halloween
01:06
that I wore and were torturous.
01:08
He made a house, and the house had rooms in it.
01:11
They were all lit up by Christmas lights
01:13
and each one had a different scene,
01:14
like, one scene where people like fighting,
01:16
the other one was someone was reading to a child,
01:18
and there was also one
01:18
where people were eating dinner downstairs,
01:20
and the house fit on top of my head,
01:22
and I could look out one of the windows.
01:24
The chimney was where you put the candy, right,
01:27
so I wore it on my head and then I had a backpack
01:29
with a battery pack, no joke,
01:31
with all that that lit up all the lights in the house.
01:34
But, I couldn't move my knees farther than, like,
01:36
maybe three or four inches, so every time I would walk,
01:38
my knees would hit the front of this thing.
01:40
On my way upstairs to get, like, candy,
01:42
I would fall flat over and I wouldn't really know
01:45
where I was going,
01:46
and then no one could really hear me very well,
01:48
so when I would ask people for candy,
01:51
they'd be like, Sorry, excuse me, trick or treat?
01:53
I'd be like, Treat, and it'd be like, (muffled speaking)
01:55
and they'd be like, What?
01:57
Where do we put the candy?,
01:58
and my dad would be, like, sitting there like,
01:59
Let's see if they know, and then they'd, like,
02:02
occasionally, they'd just give up
02:04
and I'd be left there with the door closed,
02:05
or sometimes they would, like, drop,
02:07
try to put it through the windows and stuff like that.
02:09
The chimney thing didn't work out.
02:11
I was freed, like, 30, 45 minutes into it
02:14
'cause my dad was like, I can't do that to you.
02:16
I think I was, like, Elvis Presley one year
02:18
and that was fine.
02:19
My sister dyed my hair with Manic Panic.
02:22
Someone asked me, the other day,
02:25
why am I an actor, and the answer was,
02:27
Because Manic Panic had its way with my brain, probably,
02:30
I don't know.
02:31
You know, my first kiss was in
02:33
the stairwell in elementary school.
02:35
In the stairwell, right, the door closed
02:37
and we, like, we kissed.
02:38
It was peck, you want, like,
02:40
what was the first sloppy one?
02:42
Outside a bowling alley.
02:43
It was a birthday party
02:46
of a friend of mine who was having a birthday party
02:49
at a bowling alley.
02:50
I didn't even know it was gonna happen.
02:52
We were, like, talking outside
02:53
and she sort of made the first move.
02:56
I was like,
02:58
This is the beginning of the end, yeah.
03:01
Yeah, it was wonderful.
03:02
I remember asking my grandfather about
03:04
when he first kissed my grandmother.
03:07
I was going around Queens with him
03:08
'cause we were touring around where he grew up.
03:10
We went to a park out there and he said,
03:12
I remember on the first date
03:14
where I took your grandmother.
03:15
They were divorced many years before.
03:18
I said, What was it like?
03:19
He said, he closed his eyes, he said,
03:22
Glorious.
03:24
Like that.
03:24
I love dogs.
03:26
I just love them.
03:27
They are so playful, they bring that out in us,
03:29
if you allow it.
03:30
I don't think I'm that playful, generally.
03:33
I need to be reminded of it, so they remind me of that.
03:36
When I housebroke my dog, it was, like,
03:38
probably one of the most proudest moments I've had
03:40
(interviewer laughing) in the past three years,
03:41
you know?
03:42
It was, like, such tremendous triumph.
03:45
Every three hours, taking my dog out to pee, from his crate
03:49
and then finally, one day, I didn't have to.
03:51
It was like, (interviewer laughs)
03:54
it was amazing, it was truly, truly amazing.
03:58
Yeah, those are the little things.
04:00
[Interviewer] What was your first pet's name?
04:02
Rosie.
04:03
Now, everybody knows every code
04:05
to every one of my passwords. (interviewer laughing)
04:07
Fuck.
04:08
Every fucking code, What was the first street
04:10
you lived on, what was your first pet?
04:11
I'm like, Fuck.
04:14
The first street I lived on was Norton.
04:16
[Interviewer] So you're Rosie Norton.
04:18
Yeah, my porn name, yeah.
04:19
Your porn name. Is that what it is, right,
04:21
is that what you were gonna ask?
04:23
Yeah.
04:24
I mean, right? (interviewer laughs)
04:28
It's always good to be friends with the cops.
04:29
I actually recently, unfortunately, got a speeding ticket,
04:32
which I was like, Watch this, it's cool.
04:35
I got this.
04:36
And then he was like, License and registration, please,
04:38
I was like, But I mean, buddy,
04:39
he was like, License, registration.
04:41
I was like, I play a cop.
04:42
He was like, Go fuck yourself.
04:45
So, that didn't help.
04:47
I get the nod, at least I get the nod.
04:49
I still got the fucking ticket, but I got the nod.