00:00
How about we send a
text to Jerry himself?
00:05
I'm doing a video about
how much Jerry sucks.
00:10
Let's see what he says.
00:22
And today I'm going to...
00:28
Tell you about my career
00:33
and let you in on some ASMR
stuff that I really like,
00:41
because I really like AMSR too.
00:48
So one thing I really like
to do to put myself to sleep
00:57
is something with my hair.
01:08
I mess with my hair a lot,
01:10
so this is just one thing I like to do.
01:14
But I do this all the
time when I'm anxious
01:18
or really uncomfortable.
01:24
I take a strand of my hair,
01:28
like a medium, a medium section,
01:34
and I make a loop like this.
01:39
And then I put in my ear.
01:44
And I listen to it, it talks to me.
01:49
I'll do the sound into the
mic so you can hear it.
02:09
I'll do a bigger piece so you
can hear the different kinds.
02:25
because sometimes when
I'm really freaked out
02:29
I do two strands in both
of my ears like this.
02:56
Sorry, I should do this for you, not me.
03:04
You should know that this is
really unhealthy for my hair.
03:08
I'm basically destroying it,
03:09
but it's worth it and you know why.
03:16
So before I talk about myself,
03:20
I just want to dedicate this entire video
03:31
because when we were in Italy
03:35
she told me that she's affected by ASMR,
03:42
So Molly, this is for you.
03:51
I brought my own toys for Molly.
03:56
This is my makeup bag.
04:00
That's really loud.
04:05
Molly Shannon really likes
04:08
when people rifle through
their makeup bags,
04:10
so I'm gonna do that for her and for you.
04:13
But mostly for Molly.
04:21
This is my actual makeup bag.
04:34
It's mostly brushes like this.
04:56
One thing in my bag that I think
Molly really likes is this,
05:03
my blotting papers.
05:35
You're welcome, Molly.
05:42
Let's start talking about me.
05:47
The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.
05:52
I started UCB when I was 19 years old.
05:57
And I really wanted to
be on a Harold Team,
06:02
which is a longform improv team.
06:08
And you have to audition for it,
06:10
so I auditioned a couple
times and got rejected.
06:18
I like being rejected.
06:20
It makes me feel alive.
06:24
And I finally got on a
team after a couple tries.
06:30
It was called Twelve Thousand Dollars,
06:34
which was named after the
amount of money that it costs
06:38
to go through the UCB training program.
06:42
It's muy expensive,
06:46
so we made a joke about it.
06:50
Hee hee hee, ha ha ha, comedy.
06:57
I learned a lot of things at UCB.
07:01
It was a wild time in my life.
07:05
I had many teachers that I loved.
07:08
Chris Gethard was one of my teachers.
07:12
I have so many memories there.
07:16
One of my favorite memories was...
07:22
We used to do a show where,
07:27
I don't think they legally
can do this anymore.
07:32
This was a long time ago,
07:35
where you had to be
legally drunk to perform.
07:39
In fact, they would
breathalyze you on stage.
07:44
And if you weren't legally drunk,
07:48
you had to leave the stage.
07:51
This is why UCB is the
best and always will be.
07:55
I don't remember what happened that night,
07:58
but I'm pretty sure it
involved me holding a mic stand
08:06
But there was no microphone
08:09
and I was really drunk,
screaming into the mic stand.
08:15
But no one could hear me
08:16
because there wasn't this fuzzy friend
08:19
amplifying my voice to the audience.
08:25
And I'm pretty sure
that Ellie Kemper and I
08:30
You heard it here first.
08:32
Ask her, it happened.
08:37
One of the most famous shows
at UCB is called Asssscat.
08:44
So I'd like to represent
the Asssscat ASMR for you
08:50
with some soothing cat sounds.
09:01
This is my furry friend.
09:05
I would like to remind
the audience, though,
09:07
that I do the voice of Grumpy Cat,
09:10
which is far better than this cat.
09:23
I think this cat is full of beans.
09:40
Was that too loud for you, darlings?
09:59
What do you think about Grumpy Cat?
10:11
Grumpy Cat forever.
10:23
The NBC Page program, ping ping ping.
10:34
When I graduated from college,
10:39
I really wanted to work
at Saturday Night Live.
10:45
But the closest I could get
10:49
was to audition for the Page program.
10:53
I just really liked the uniform, I guess.
10:56
I wanted to wear that
disgusting polyester skirt suit
11:03
and lead studio tours,
11:08
which I did for a couple months.
11:14
It didn't work out for
me in the Page program
11:17
because people thought I was a witch.
11:22
I had one friend in the Page program
11:25
and her name was Meg Ryan.
11:31
For real, that was her name, Meg Ryan.
11:35
It's not the Meg Ryan that you all know.
11:41
It's a different Meg Ryan.
11:44
She had long dark hair,
11:46
and her and I were friends.
11:50
And we were like, the dark
witch Pages of the program.
11:55
I believe that we both
got in trouble many times
12:00
because I would take groups
of people on the studio tours
12:08
and I would lie to them
over and over again.
12:11
I would tell them facts
that weren't true about NBC
12:19
Meg Ryan and I would come up with a game
12:22
where she would say, "On
your next studio tour,
12:27
"you have to use the word."
12:28
And then we would pick a
random word like colonoscopy.
12:36
And she would say, "You
have to insert this word
12:40
"into your speech, even if
it doesn't make any sense."
12:44
So I would say, "Welcome to Studio 8H,
12:50
"where Chris Farley had a colonoscopy
12:55
"live in front of an audience."
12:59
And people would go, "Wow,
did that really happen?"
13:04
And I would go, "No, you're stupid."
13:11
I'm pretty sure I got fired early on,
13:16
but I kept my uniform.
13:19
And I'll never let it go.
13:23
To represent my time at the Page program,
13:28
I have some peacock feathers
for you, my darlings.
13:37
If you remember, the
NBC peacock is a thing.
13:45
[feathers rustling]
13:53
Can you hear the history
of NBC in these feathers?
14:01
[feathers rustling]
14:17
I wonder if I can do my little
hair trick to these feathers.
14:22
[feathers rustling]
14:32
[feathers rustling]
14:38
That sounds really nice.
14:39
I like when it combines with my hair.
14:43
[feathers rustling]
14:50
This is getting really weird,
14:54
just like NBC got really
weird in the early 2000s.
15:01
[feathers rustling]
15:22
There's nothing Paul Reiser can't do.
15:28
The movie Funny People.
15:36
Funny People was pretty
much my breakout film.
15:42
Before that, I was
waitressing in New York City,
15:50
I auditioned for Funny People,
15:53
and Judd Apatow changed my life.
15:57
It was pretty crazy how I
got cast in Funny People,
16:01
because Judd Apatow wanted
to cast a standup comedian.
16:08
And I auditioned with the
scenes and sent in a tape,
16:14
but I wasn't a standup comedian.
16:17
But I pretended to be.
16:21
I took the mic, just like this mic,
16:26
and I got up on stage
16:29
and I did five minutes
of jokes that I made up.
16:35
And I had my friend tape it, sent it in,
16:40
and then Judd cast me.
16:42
Two weeks later, I was in Los Angeles.
16:47
I wasn't old enough to
rent a car and I was poor,
16:52
so I lived in the Days
Inn on Hollywood Boulevard
16:56
for two weeks with a
bunch of Swedish tourists.
17:02
And I rented a car from RentaWreck,
17:07
which was the only place
that would let me rent a car.
17:11
And I would drive to Sony Studios
17:15
and park next to Adam Sandler's Maserati.
17:22
I don't know if he had a Maserati,
17:24
but I just parked next
to really expensive cars.
17:30
And I could barely pay my rent,
17:34
but I just pretended like it was cool.
17:41
I had never really been in LA
17:44
and I didn't know what I was doing,
17:47
but I just pretended to
be a standup comedian.
17:52
And then all of a sudden,
I was a standup comedian
17:54
because no one knew who I was.
17:58
So they just assumed that I was a standup.
18:02
And I started getting booked
18:03
at The Laugh Factory and The Comedy Store,
18:08
and going up in front of
live audiences doing comedy,
18:12
even though I had no
idea what I was doing.
18:17
I tricked them all.
18:19
Now to represent my time
as a standup comedian
18:25
when I was on Funny People,
18:27
I'm going to give you the
sounds of a standup microphone.
18:42
They're much colder than these ones.
18:46
I like the sound of my rings
tapping against the mic.
18:57
That's a really good one.
19:13
I remember one of my early
jokes as a standup comedian.
19:22
I'll try a different ring.
19:29
One of my early bits as a standup comedian
19:31
was to just name celebrities
19:34
and name what kind of tail they would have
19:38
if they were an animal.
19:45
Bill Clinton would have
a polar bear's nub.
19:53
Lindsay Lohan would have
a bushy squirrel's tail
20:22
In all my years as a standup comedian,
20:25
I've never seen the
inside of a mic before.
20:30
It's really boring.
20:33
It's just a bunch of wires.
20:37
[microphone rustling]
20:58
Julia Roberts would
have a show pony's tail,
21:03
beautiful, thick, lustrous tail,
21:08
bouncing in the wind.
21:17
The TV show Parks & Recreation.
21:25
The funny thing about
Parks & Recreation is...
21:33
That I didn't audition for that show.
21:36
I had a meeting with the
creators of the show,
21:41
and I guess in that meeting I was so weird
21:48
that they decided to create
the character for me.
21:53
So in the original pilot
episode of Parks & Recreation,
21:57
the character of April's
actually named Aubrey.
22:09
But of course they had to change it
22:12
when it went on television to April.
22:28
I don't know what to say about it.
22:32
I definitely feel like that
character is a big part of me.
22:39
I am April and April is me.
22:43
But it's a heightened version of me,
22:48
so it feels very close to my heart.
22:55
But also I'm much more than that.
23:02
I was on that show for seven seasons.
23:06
I don't know why, but that
show has a kind of psychic,
23:14
beautiful love energy radiating out of it,
23:18
because we all loved each other so much
23:22
and you can tell when you watch it.
23:24
And I think that the show
kind of reminds audiences
23:28
that comedy doesn't have
to be meanspirited.
23:34
It can come from love,
23:37
except we can all still hate Jerry
23:41
because Jerry sucks.
23:45
Jerry deserves to die.
23:50
To represent April Ludgate,
23:53
I will now use the sounds
of texting on my phone,
24:02
I'd just like to first show you
24:04
that I have two stickers on my phone.
24:09
One says Hot Old Guy.
24:16
And one's a picture of a
fox because I like foxes.
24:26
I'll send a text to...
24:34
How about we send a text to Jerry himself?
24:42
I'm typing in Jim, Jim O'Heir.
24:50
[tapping on screen]
24:55
This is youknowwho.
24:59
[tapping on screen]
25:15
about how much Jerry sucks.
25:18
[tapping on screen]
25:25
What do you think of that?
25:30
Question mark, question
mark, exclamation point.
25:36
Let's see what he says.
25:47
Sometimes I like to turn
the vibration on and off.
25:57
[tapping on screen]
26:02
Now we wait to see if he responds.
26:06
[tapping on screen]
26:09
Say something, Jim.
26:16
[tapping on screen]
26:31
He's typing right now.
26:32
I can't wait to see what he says.
26:36
[tapping on screen]
26:43
He's really thinking this text over.
26:52
LOL, I don't believe you'll be able
26:54
to come up with anything
negative to say about Jerry.
26:58
If you can, go for it.
27:13
I'm deleting him from my phone.
27:22
[tapping on screen]
27:29
The TV show Legion.
27:34
My character on Legion is
called Lenny Cornflakes Busker.
27:42
And it was a very strange
process for me to be on this show
27:50
because the character was
originally written for a man.
27:55
And when I first met with Noah Hawley,
28:06
I was on crutches at the time
28:08
because I had torn my
ACL playing basketball.
28:13
And he just said, "What
about the role of Lenny?"
28:18
And I said, "The drug addict,
28:21
"middleaged man in the
mental institution?"
28:26
And he said, "Yes."
28:31
And I said, "I don't know.
28:32
"That seems weird."
28:35
But then he told me that Lenny,
28:40
by the end of the first season,
becomes the Shadow King,
28:44
which is the villain of the show.
28:47
And I said, "Sign me up.
28:53
So that's what I did.
28:56
I became a powerful, evil
mutant psychic villain
29:02
named the Shadow King.
29:04
However, in the second season,
29:08
my character took a very sharp left turn.
29:13
The Shadow King has
relinquished Lenny's body
29:20
and moved on, so what happens to Lenny?
29:30
It's a very complicated character,
29:33
but ultimately I think
that wherever Lenny is,
29:43
floating on the astral plane
29:46
in all the different dimensions
of David Haller's memories,
29:53
she's optimistic and is
always hoping for the best.
30:01
She's a tragic character
and I like playing her,
30:07
but it's emotionally draining sometimes
30:11
and physically exhausting,
30:13
because I'm being tortured a lot
30:17
and used by this evil villain mutant.
30:23
Sometimes I forget that
I'm in the Marvel Universe,
30:28
but I really like being on a Marvel show
30:35
because the audience really
cares about the characters
30:42
and they're really
invested in the characters.
30:45
And that's really nice.
30:48
And it's really fun to have powers.
30:50
Sometimes in the first season,
30:53
all I would do would be
like, something like this.
31:00
And someone would die.
31:04
To represent my character on Legion,
31:07
Lenny Cornflakes Busker,
31:11
I give to you the sound of Corn Flakes.
31:22
Wow, this is great.
31:26
I have a little bowl.
31:31
Why don't I just pour you
guys a bowl of Corn Flakes?
31:37
I'm just gonna open it first.
31:39
[opening cereal box]
32:05
There's a lot of Corn Flakes in there.
32:17
I'll pour them out first.
32:40
Now I have a bowl of Corn Flakes.
32:57
I'm gonna put one in my mouth.
33:40
I wish I had some milk.
33:51
It kind of sounds like my hair.
34:04
Is that really gross?
34:18
Am I doing this for me or you?
34:23
I think me and you.
34:29
I don't like Corn Flakes,
34:32
but I like the way it sounds.
34:45
Before I say goodbye to you, my darlings,
34:47
I'm just gonna clean off the table.
34:49
There's some little Corn
Flakes bits on the table.
35:03
Well, I just wanna say
thank you to W Magazine
35:07
for making my dreams come true.
35:10
I am triggered by ASMR,
35:13
and I am sorry I had to talk about myself
35:17
and not just make sounds.
35:19
But this is the start of my new career.
35:23
I quit acting and now I'm
only here for you, darlings.
35:33
I'll leave you with my hair.
35:35
Don't ever forget this.